I have found that rituals are an important part of the BDSM experience. According to Merriam-Webster, it can be defined as “an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner.”. Rituals set up a standard structure and help to keep everything familiar. Straying from them can lead to the submissive feeling something is off, throwing everything askew or worse. babygirl has commented that she finds it comforting to know that I always have a series of steps in doing most things.
babygirl and I communicate via text unless we are together as it is a more discrete form of communication for our lives. In our daily exchanges, either one may text out a particular phrase, and the other responds with a corresponding phrase. For example, “miss you” and replying “miss you more”. While this may be silly on the surface, it is a reassuring gesture, and we know everything is alright. We are both silly on several levels, and it carries on beyond our sessions into our everyday lives. We embrace that we can be silly with each other at all times.
Our day always starts with a good morning text and ends with a good night text. Regular communication is part of “us”, so having that routine helps foster both of our roles and knowledge that both of us are well. We let the other know when we have meetings or other obligations so that we are aware that communication will be limited.
We usually spend our BCD (Behind Closed Door) time in a hotel, and babygirl likes things set in a certain way, so she checks in first to ensure everything is to her liking, and for anything, I have given instructions to prepare. Doing this provides babygirl time to center herself for the upcoming activities and build anticipation as she slips into her role. I enjoy the pride she has in making sure things are just right. Sometimes she will send me pictures of the room so I can adjust my plans for our time.
There is always a place prepared for me to set my Bag of Tricks (duffel bag), waiting for me with space to lay out the day’s toys. She has our drinks ready beside the couch when I arrive unless we arrive together. It appeals to her service side and makes me smile with a forehead kiss and a “good girl” whispered in her ear.
The unpacking of the Bag of Tricks has her mesmerized while she contemplates our activities. It is a familiarity that babygirl enjoys. We usually catch up on things that text is not conducive to communicating with during this time. This time also helps us to re-center ourselves and focus on the fun we are about to have. There are times when I will sit with her to cuddle and whisper things into her ear before we start while we enjoy our drinks. Whispering is one of her ASMR buttons that I like to utilize.
The collar I had made for her comes next. I have her kneel on the ground or the bed as I apply it to her neck. This step always causes her to relax as she submits. I know that babygirl knows my rules and safewords. As part of this ritual, I have her repeat them to me. It is not to trip her up but rather to keep a familiar routine.
Shifting from my day-to-day life to Dom role is not always a quick and easy thing. Everything to this point sets the stage. We know these actions intimately, and having a routine allows us to engage our roles in a structured manner.
Introducing new toys has its particular routine. I will bring it to the session before it is used in play so babygirl can see it. We also discuss using a specific toy before I purchase it if it appeals to babygirl. I failed in this action once and do not wish to do so again as it was not pleasant for babygirl. Babygirl dropped mid-session, and I dropped later that evening.
One thing I started doing a couple of months ago was fastening her seat belt when she climbs into the truck. This simple act is one of babygirls favorite as it always includes a kiss. Babygirl has told me that it shows care and helps her feel secure. It also appeals to her little side. This simple act has gone a long way to building our relationship and connection. Her brat side sometimes tries not to buckle it if the situation has her climb into the truck on her side by herself. I will still reach across and buckle it for her. It is somewhat of a game, but she knows I won’t drive without buckling her seat belt.
I do simple things during the time spent with babygirl, such as adjusting her day collar when it gets twisted around or pushing her hair out of her eyes. Another favorite of babygirls is brushing her hair after a session or sometimes when I visit her. babygirl will bring me her brush and kneel by a chair or couch for her hair to be brushed when our time is near the end. While simple on the surface, it is very relaxing and quite an intimate experience.
These simple repeated actions seem inconsequential but, when added together, help to solidify our bond. They all share a caring note and show that we have control of ourselves. If I am not in control of myself, I cannot be a safe Dom. The same applies to her in the role as a sub. One of us lets the other know that they are not in the right frame of mind so that it is known, and we adjust things accordingly. Yesterday was a good example. We had planned the day, and due to a recent death in my family, I knew I could not be focused. So we changed things up for more of an intimate, caring experience. These rituals are a form of communication. It is vital to have open communication in BDSM, especially if you have a relationship as we have.
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